My father put me on my first diet when I was 11 years old.

I didn’t see him in three years and the first thing he said was “why are you so fat?” And that’s when I learned, “in order to be loved and accepted, I had to be thin.”

Do any of you remember the book Fit for Life? To become Fit for Life, you combine "healthy meals" like salmon, skinless chicken and vegetables with vigorous exercise.

Like all diets, it worked at the start, and I lost a significant amount of weight. My Father was thrilled and boasted like it was his success... my weight loss was his success. 

Soon after, food became the sustenance I needed to exercise day-in-and-day-out, it was no longer pleasurable like it once was. And thus began my battle with food.

At 11, this was an incredibly restrictive diet. I was hungry and deprived. Two feelings no one should ever have to feel, especially children.

Shortly after, my binge and punishment diet started. I’d sneak food and stuff myself only to diet and obsessively exercise until it became a compulsive eating disorder.

Food became a source of shame and suffering. I avoided shopping, going out, and particularly anything that required being seen in a bathing suit. 

Everything was filtered through my weight-numbers on a scale. By the age of 14, I weighed 180 lbs and 224 lbs by the time I turned 18.  

I cried myself to sleep many nights and feeling like a complete and utter failure and yet feeling totally helpless to stop eating.

I hated my body and honestly I just hated myself for my lack of willpower. I have been through HUNDREDS of diet plans and even overeaters anonymous (OA).

This was my life for 19 years. To say it was a living hell would not give it enough credit.